We’ve all had an annoying neighbor or two over the years. Okay, maybe more than two. Maybe they aren’t as bad as in Neighbors 2 or the first Neighbors for that matter. But what if the person everyone avoids is you!
Some behaviors are obviously going to piss me off. Like if your dog shits on my stairs while you watch and then leave it there. Yes, that really happened. Others, not so much.
If I am speed walking to the door so we can’t make eye contact, there might be a reason.
Do any of these sound like you?
#1 You won’t stop talking
When borrowing an item, do you hang around for a long time when you are picking it up and bringing it back? Are you really good friends? Well okay. If not, be polite. Say thank you. Walk away. Seriously, it’s okay. My feelings will not be hurt.
I once had a neighbor who wouldn’t shut up. Ever. Even though that is my personality, I usually reserve it for friends and family. They love me, so they’re used to it.
One particular neighbor borrowed a pie plate. It took him two hours to pick it up and three hours to return it. I know clearly, I have a problem with setting boundaries. Bringing it back. Leave it on the doorstep when we’re not home. Trust me, you won’t hurt my feelings.
#2 You are overly friendly
You wave and call out every time I step outside. Again, be polite. Be neighborly. But every time gets old. Especially if the last time was like five minutes ago.
I come out of the garage, you wave. I wave back. I go around the back, come in a different way, then out the front door you wave and shout “hello” again.
God forbid it’s from inside the house. Once the neighbors actually waved to us in our living room. They were in their own! Really! I couldn’t make this shit up.
#3 You visit too often
Along with #2 is coming over, every time I am outside. Maybe I am digging in the garden. You come over and stand next to me so I have to look up to see you with the sun in my damn face. You’re on your side of the shrubs.
But you don’t leave. You walk over when I am carrying groceries. Since I don’t want you to follow me inside, I stop. But you just keep talking. Isn’t it obvious they are heavy? What if my ice cream is melting?
Now like I said, I love conversation. Ask my husband, or my parents for that matter, they called me motormouth as a kid. But I want you to shut up so I can get back to my life. Ugh, enough.
Something important to say, like, “ we’ll be away, can you keep an eye out” or “there’s a bear in your yard”, hey fine.
But seriously, don’t I look busy. I am sure you nearly gave my husband a heart attack when he saw you sprint from your yard to ours when I was 8 months pregnant.
He thought I must have fallen down, so he came running too. Nope, just came over to say make small talk. Guess he realized I wouldn’t be able to waddle away fast enough.
#4 You are just plain weird
You make sexist or inappropriate comments. I am not sensitive to bad language, which would be crystal clear if you knew my husband. Jokes don’t usually offend me.
Free speech and all.
But when it’s directed personally, as in, “You really should wear a bikini when you wash your car” or “Why didn’t you tell me you were sleeping in, I could have come over”.
This coming from someone old enough to be my father is not flattering. It’s gross and creepy.
More important to me, I am married. In case you forgot, so are you. It’s just nasty.
Also, no, we do not want to join you and your wife in your jacuzzi. I don’t care how achy I get, it is not going to happen. Ever. Yuk.
To your wife, I am truly sorry your husband thought it was okay to tell me all about the surgery you had on your old lady bits.
I get it, you’re friendly. Maybe you want more friends or need new ones because the old ones are sick of you.
I feel for the people you work with. Truly. But I am not your friend. The days of making friends over the backyard fence do not appeal to me.
Just because I am a stay-at-home mom does not mean I have nothing better to do. It also doesn’t mean I need more friends. If I do, you wouldn’t pass the test, written or oral.
This may sound like we are not friendly people. Couldn’t be further from the truth. My husband makes friends everywhere. He has so many, even after 28 years, we still go places and people stop and talk to him or wave and I have no idea who they are.
I have always gotten along with people wherever I go. If I like you, you’ll know it. I’ll be the one that won’t shut up.
I wish you could choose your neighbors. Thankfully after 20 years, we have moved to a new neighborhood. Could have been dicey. We didn’t choose anything, including the house.
We moved into my grandmother’s house to care for her. Luckily, we like our new neighbors. We all seem to have an unspoken perfect neighborly agreement.
People talk, or not. Maybe it’s a bad day. Might wave, might not. Who’s to say. No matter what it’s all good. No judgment, no hard feelings.
We all get it. It’s real. Nothing fake. No pretending to be something we’re not. We all watch out for each other out of respect, but no one is nosy.
I like that. I can sit on the porch. I don’t feel like I have to talk, maybe I’ll change my mind. But it’s relaxing. We can step outside. Walk around the yard. Do our thing.
The cool part is, we have new friends. I haven’t seen anybody sprint away. Yet.
How about you? How much do your neighbors suck? Or maybe it’s their kid, recognize them in Why I Hate Your Kid.
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